The days are getting longer
A few weeks ago my friend Becca told me that reading my blog makes it look like being a mom is all so easy - my kids are well behaved, they smell like pancakes, I have free time to do my own things. Well Becca, this post is for you. Yesterday was not a good day. I cried twice by 10. In the morning. I wasn't crying because I was injured or had suffered any major grief worthy of crying, but because everytime I turned around things felt out of control. And I felt like a bad mom.
I always sort of figured I'd be a good mom. I spent a good portion of the day trying to figure out why that was. I think it's because I have such a good mom myself that I figured I'd be good just by the example that was set for me. I never thought I'd be the kind of mom that yells or the one who had to work hard not to swear or tell my kids to shut up (which was so bad it was referred to as "the s-word" when I was growing up, I didn't even know that there was another s-word that was even worse).
The fear of judgement and failure is very real. I certainly didn't expect every day to be easy and fun and happiness, but I didn't really expect it to be like this either. The chaos and frenetic energy can sometimes just be so exhausting. Not every day is hard, but some days definitely are. I keep hoping that this is a stage and that it will get easier. I remember feeling this way after Martin was born - there were days when everything felt so difficult and at times overwhelming. Then after Sophie was born, it was SO much busier and I remember looking back and wondering why I thought it felt so hard with just one. So maybe it's not the kids going through a stage...maybe it's me. I just need some time adjust and find the groove again.
Today is a new day and I know it will be better if only because Marty is home. We're going to run some errands, play outside (as long as the weather cooperates) and have some fun together.
On the table last night: Butternut Squash-Leek Soup and buffalo burgers.
Hm. Looks like you caught my mood from last week. Sorry.
And here is what I try and think about when I have days like this - I am CERTAIN my mother yelled, and had bad days, but I honestly only remember 1 or 2 (like the one where we wouldn't stop bickering in the car and she pulled over an made us walk home. Like MILES. You have to love the 70s). I hope the memory gods are equally kind to you and me.
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Dear Jennie....obviously you have selective memory about growing up (which is a good thing). You are a great mom to two rambunctious kids and everyday is different. We chose to go out many Friday and Saturday nights to smoke, drink, and socialize and let someone else put you to bed. I cried many a time with frustration and always on holidays before the company arrived, as your dad started a new project (like cutting down a tree or putting shelves in a closet). Your kids love you dearly and I do believe that things will get easier as they get a little older (before they get harder again!)Don't be so hard on yourself...you are doing a great job as a mom!
PS If this praise was meant to get me to take both kids while you go on a trip, it won't work! I would be the one shedding the tears...
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Maybe you should have a third child - then you can look back and two will seem easy!
I also only have memories of 1 or 2 times where my mom really went off on us and we now look back and they are quite comical. She actually made us walk home after bickering in the car also, but she made us hold hands while doing it and she followed us to make sure we held hands.
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