I grew up in the Free to Be You and Me era.  William wanted a doll and so did my brother Ryan.  He adopted my doll Gracie who went through a "change" and became Jake.  My parents were careful and conscientious about gender roles, both allowing and encouraging all kinds of play.  As I grew older, they supported my budding feminist thoughts.  When in college, my dad tolerated my long-winded diatribes on equal pay in the workplace.  They raised me with an openness about gender roles and encouraged me to form my own thoughts and opinions about my role in the world - traditional or not.  I believe that this has made me a strong person, conscious of the opportunities around me, able to form my own opinions about what is right for me, and accepting of the choices that others make.

It's with this same spirit and tolerance that I wish to raise my own kids.  I want to let them explore the world, help them to understand their choices and to make them without fear of judgment.  But at the same time, I feel like I should explain to them the view that others might have of their choices.  Sort of like a counterpoint.  I've been thinking about this a lot, and in the back of my mind it's almost like I'm trying to prepare them for criticism so that they could consider whether or not the action will be worth it to them.  And this is where my mind has reached a crossroads - do they need to hear that from me?  Should I just let them experience criticism on their own and let them form their own opinions about whether it was worthwhile?  Or is better to give them some warning ahead of time so that they can make the decision before taking the action?  I would do this for a friend, so is it right to do it for my kids?

It all sounds so serious, doesn't it?  Especially considering that Martin and Sophie are only four and two.  Gender issues and traditional gender roles play a pretty small part when you're a young child, but I believe the way that those things are talked about and treated in your household have a lifelong impact on you as you grow up and face decisions. 

Today it's small things - boys playing with dolls, girls playing with trucks, boys playing dress up, girls wrestling around.  But this week, all of these questions have been raised because of one simple thing... Martin wore a skirt yesterday.  Now, I don't think this is such a big deal.  But as he was twirling to make the skirt spin, I thought about two boys I knew growing up who wore skirts occasionally and I remember thinking that it was weird.  Despite my openness to gender roles and play in other areas, boys wearing skirts stood out to me in my memory as something that seemed a little odd.  So, I decided to give him more information and was careful to say it in a way that wasn't judgmental and didn't tell him what to do.

I told him that it was fine with me if he wanted to wear a skirt but also explained that most boys don't wear them.  He could decide if he wanted to, and it would be okay with me.  He said "If other kids see this skirt they would think I was a grill [girl] or a baby.  And I would just call them a moron.  I don't care."  And while I was proud of his ability to understand our discussion and form his own opinion, I still wasn't completely sure that he got it.  Also, I wasn't totally thrilled with the use of "moron" as a way to deflect criticism, but decided to let that one pass.

Meanwhile, in the back of my mind is the knowledge that while it might be okay with me, if Marty came home and saw Martin in a skirt it would not be met with the same level of "openness".  So, as Martin and I talked about this a bit, I decided to record it.  Here's how Martin explains boys and skirts.

I think Martin has a pretty good grasp on the situation.  As much as a four year-old can, I think he understands his choices and the possible actions.  And I still think it's no big deal.  In case your wondering, when Marty came home and saw Martin in "his gown" he said almost EXACTLY what Martin had predicted.  Until his eyes met mine and he saw my look of dismay, he changed his tone and softened his statements.  Through his careful choices of words, I could hear what he wasn't saying... "Hey buddy, let's go do some MANLY stuff.  And put on some damn pants."